I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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