I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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