Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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