do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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