I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
