I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
