so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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