I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
