my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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