Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Randomize
