If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize