If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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