I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
There was a lot of him and a little penis
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
