question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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