I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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