The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
