I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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