even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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