I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
