Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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