I accidentally had phone sex last night
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
