we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
