maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
