tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
