I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Can you bring me the toilet please
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
