You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
