I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize