im six kinds of drunk right now
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
