You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
