I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
