mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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