quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
