I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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