I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
