Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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