life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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