My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
