My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
