So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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