I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
