he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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