you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
