I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
