my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
