Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
