Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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