You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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