having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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