He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
