Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
