I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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