My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
