Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
