you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
This baby is an asshole
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
