I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
