thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
