I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
