hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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