He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
