Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Randomize
