There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
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