Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
vagina is talking i cant
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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