I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
not ubering you a puppy
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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